Author Archive

The Rhythm

We welcomed our sweet baby girl into our world almost four months ago already. I can hardly believe how fast the time is flying by.

I find myself living between worlds constantly in search of my rhythm, my family’s rhythm. As soon as I think I have found it, we are off embarking on a new chapter.

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Pregnant. Summer off. Home with toddler. Moving. New baby. Toddler back to daycare. Working from home. At-work working mama.

Dressing. Feeding. Cleaning. Drop off. Pick up. Playing. Loving. Off to bed. Exhausted.

Running around all day being mindful that my “work” hours are actually my most restful. Finding myself missing out on the sweetness that are my children as I’m rushing and stressing trying to get by. Maybe even on time.

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Between the tears of getting our shoes on right out of bed, I almost missed my boy singing jingle bells as we walked out the door.

Slowing down. Trying to do it all. Finding new ways to enjoy the moments.

Smelling the evergreens

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I find myself unsettled. Balancing my work and my family, not to mention myself, precariously between each other. Never quite able to feel satisfied in any area.

I am so grateful to have a job that I adore for so many reasons. I am challenged. I am rewarded. I am granted the flexibility every working parent should have. I am able to do work that is meaningful to me. I am grateful. And yet.

I so long to spend the days being a mama to my kiddos, with my kiddos.

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Crafting and snuggling.
Singing and exploring.
Learning and doing.

Enjoying the rhythm that I found so natural.
Enjoying every moment of each of my children growing up.
So fast.

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It’s different for me after my first child. Returning after my first maternity leave left me longing to snuggle and stare at my baby. The second return to maternity leave is different. I am longing to be with both baby and toddler. My heart hurts that I am missing out. And yet.

I wish I would be satisfied and satiated, as well as able, to be a stay at home mama. I don’t think I would be, but I don’t know. I wish I could know if it would be enough for me. Then it may not be so hard to go to work.

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Today is day four back in the office. I can’t say that it’s any easier than the first. Perhaps even harder as I can identify the rough spots in my rhythm. In our rhythm. Thinking of the moments I’m missing, even when I’m there.

I try to find comfort in remembering the rhythm will always be constantly changing.  As hard as it is with so much on our full, lush plate, all I can do is welcome and try to enjoy the flow.

– NVC

E’s Adventure Into the World

When I thought about birth, I had no fear. As a women’s health and sexuality educator, I was so prepared to trust my body through pregnancy, labor and delivery. I was ready for a natural birth. I knew that birth in our culture is unnecessarily medicalized and that interventions only lead to further interventions. I also knew that no birth goes as planned. Little did I know the surprises in store as E entered the world…

During my pregnancy with E, due to unrelated health conditions, I was a highly monitored pregnant mama-to-be. Ultrasounds. Amniotic fluid measurements. Stress tests. I kept saying to my midwives that if they keep looking hard enough to find something wrong, they will find something. And they eventually did. Throughout pregnancy I was told I had a ‘modest amount’ of amniotic fluid. In my 40th week of pregnancy it dipped to a low level.

It was suggested that I was induced. Induced?!?

Although this was against how I thought of birth, I agreed to induction as I felt like it was time to surrender, as it were. I found peace with this. I was not going to let my stubbornness and preconceived notions of giving birth get in the way of my healthy baby. I mean, what if they were right?

On my due date, T and I dutifully arrived at the hospital excited, ready to be induced and meet our baby boy! It was like a surreal vacation – instead of a hotel, a hospital room. Instead of evening strolls on the beach, they were down a corridor. We played dozens of games of Yahtzee. (Side note: In one game of Yahtzee, T and I had 7 Yahtzees!!) We ordered Greenbush. Had visitors. Listened to the best playlist that T made. All while ripening my cervix, watching contractions on the big screen and having an IV of pitocin. It was a pleasant day, really.

Around midnight my water broke. Game on! We were moved to the actual labor and delivery floor, birth lights were hung. A baby was on its way!

We comfortably slept through the night. In the morning, the pitocin was upped and contractions were coming more regularly. More intensely and with regularity. Things were moving along.

We alternated between hanging in the tub. Walking the halls. Bouncing on the birthing ball. Almost how I had envisioned labor – minus the induction.

I labored with crazy pitocin-fueled contractions for 16 painful hours without an epidural. Around midnight that night, I could no longer ‘not push.’ It had to be time to push. I finally fully dilated and effaced. We were going to give it a go…

I had no fear. I was ready to push with all my might to see my baby boy.

Every time I pushed, half of my cervix swelled shut. Elliott entered my birth canal with a twist causing this asymmetrical swelling. I pushed. I swelled shut. I had to wait. No pushing until the swelling subsided. And repeat.

Now let me tell you, when you are in labor and it is time to push it takes everything you’ve got to not push and sometimes then you cannot control what becomes a reflex. However, I had to stop pushing. Because I couldn’t, an epidural was recommended to slow down the urge to push. The fearless, pain med free birth I thought I would have, now was intercepted with an epidural. An epidural?!? Yup, an epidural.

Pushing continued, as did the swelling, for 4 long, exhausting hours. It was time for plan B. Forceps. Forceps??!? Yup, forceps.

Along with the forceps came a tray prepped for an episiotomy. An episiotomy?!?! Yup, an episiotomy.

The OB, with his forceps, tried with all his might to pull my baby outta me. So much force, in fact, that he propped his foot on the edge of my bed to muster enough power to pull E out. Thankfully, I did not have an episiotomy because the forcep delivery failed. Now on to plan C.

Yup, emergency C-section. A C-section?!? Yup, a C-section. Who’s birth was this?! It was so far from the one I had envisioned.

T dressed up like a surgeon. And we were off. 35 hours after labor began, I was about to have a C-section. At this point, all I wanted more than anything was to hold my baby. A C-section it was. Draped. Gowned. Ready to roll.

Now remember, I pushed for 4 hours with only mild success. Then an OB pulled with all his might with forceps to bring my baby through my pelvis and into my birth canal. Now, in this C-section, baby E needed to come out from the other direction. Tugging. Pulling. Jostling. Yanking. Now, this was a pain unlike the contractions and the pushing combined.

At some point because I could no longer tolerate the pain, I was knocked out with twilight. Twilight!?!? I remember saying, “… but I want to remember the birth of my son!”

To get the leverage to pull my baby out in the other direction the tall OB needed a ladder. A ladder?!? Yup, a ladder. I kid you not, a ladder.

I woke up to my sweet baby wrapped up at my face ready for his first mama kiss. His papa introduced us face to face. He was so perfect. Oh baby, I’ve waited so long!

E surprised us all – even his nursing staff. His birth certificate and bracelets have typos on them because it was all but certain that he would have been born the day before. We bought a newspaper with the wrong birth date.

Each time we reached a fork in the birthing road, we went the way we least expected. E’s birth story is the exact way I never thought I would give birth. Little did I know.

E arrived into the world through induction, an attempted vaginal birth, an attempted forcep delivery and finally via C-section almost 48 hours later. I couldn’t have been happier to see him and I would do it again in a flash.

To his papa’s and my amazement – along with everyone else waiting to meet him – despite his dramatic and traumatic delivery, he arrived wide-eyed, unscathed, perfectly beautiful and chattering to anyone who looked at him. He was ready to greet the world full of curiosity, wonderment and ready to participate. Really, much like how he greets his world today as a 20-month-old toddling boy.

Baby E

EVC October 16th, 2009 at 6:45am 8 pounds, 9 ounces 20 inches long

– NVC

Before I Even Ask the Question

Before I even ask the question, I know the answer and I believe it with all my heart. I really, deeply do.

I know that my heart will explode with as much love, adoration and amazement for my baby girl as it did with my baby boy a year and a half ago. I do, I really know this and believe truly believe it.

But I still ask myself the question: how am I going to have double this love, adoration and amazement for another babe?!?

I have 10 weeks to go before we welcome our second kiddo, a baby girl, into our family. While I get the ‘sweats’ thinking about having two children under two years of age, I keep wondering how am I going to possibly love another kiddo as much as I love E?!?

Worth the wait

When E was born, through the haze of coming out of an emergency C-section after days of induction and laboring, and four hours of pushing, my heart exploded. Right there in the operating room. Then it exploded again as I finally got to hold him. And then again when I saw him finally feeling like myself again post-op.  And again when he opened his big brown eyes looked at me. And again when we got the hang of nursing. And again and again…

All of E’s ‘firsts’ have made me boil over with love and pride of his sense of accomplishment. And mine. And his papa’s. E is now a running, chattering, funny, loving, and adventurous little boy who hugs and kisses my pregnant belly. He tells me there is a baby in my belly. And in his. And in his papa’s. He continues to amaze me and makes me laugh everyday. Really, he truly does.

It took me some time to find my feet as a mama. Now that I am comfortable with my ‘mama legs,’ I wonder how my confidence as a mama will change how I will love, adore and enjoy our baby girl. I wonder how seeing our baby girl and all her ‘firsts’ through the eyes of her big brother will change how I see and feel love, adoration and amazement. My guess, it will only increase the frequency of my heart exploding.

The thing is, I am so full of this love, amazement and adoration; I can’t imagine doing it again and have this sense of fullness double. Really, I cannot imagine it.

NVC and big brother-to-be

And yet, I cannot wait.

– NVC

A Year of Parenting

Fall always brings out the reflective and nostalgic in me. Now this fall, for the first time, I reflect on my first year of being a mama.

Pregnancy. Childbirth. Sleepless nights. Your child’s laughter. Parenthood. It all changes you from the tips of your toes to deep in your soul.

Looking back at my year as a mama, here are a few bits of what I have learned:

1. Sleepless nights suck.

2. Laughter is key.

3. But sometimes you just have to cry it out.

4. I knew my husband was amazing before we were parents. I have since learned that he is an outstanding dad. My son is so lucky to have him as his Papa. So am I.

5. Snuggling my baby, even in the middle of the night, makes my heart full.

6. Watching my husband put my child to bed after I tried and failed is the best feeling of relief and yet it will make me sigh every time.

7. I will always be there for my child. As in ALWAYS, no exception.

8. Friends make it all so much easier. Sharing the tales of parenting reminds me that the crazy, hard moments are actually normal.

9. People are so kind and so generous to a new mama and a new family. I seize the opportunity to pay it forward.

10.  Watching my child experience wonderment – through food, music, experience – is the most uninhibited, organic and, usually, joyful sight.

11.  I never knew the feeling of selflessness until I had a child.

12.  What and who I think I can count on will always surprise me.

13.  Finding community of mamas was harder than I thought and yet, turned up when I least expected it and needed it most.

14.  I have found that there are other ways to trust my body after pregnancy. And no, I did not find it in childbirth.

15.  C-sections suck.

16.  Bodies are amazing. My body (and me) grew a human. Then it produced food for said human. That human grows from a tiny ball of baby to a roaming, running, babbling toddler all in one year. Amazing, I tell you. Truly amazing.

17.  The early days, weeks and even months of being a mama were very foggy for me and felt surprisingly lonely. I didn’t expect that, but will be more aware the next time.

18.  I worry more as a parent than I ever thought possible and far more than I ever expected.

19.  Raising a boy to be a good man is a challenge I take very seriously every day.

This is what a feminist looks like.

20.  There is nothing more heart breaking than to see your kiddo sick. They have no idea what’s going on and there is often little you can do to really make them better.

21.  Even when I feel completely clueless, finding ways to make parenting choices with confidence and without judgment is essential.

22.  Being a mama is the hardest and most rewarding job I ever could of dreamed of.  I can’t imagine my life without mama-hood.

23.  Watching my baby dance warms my soul.

24.  It really does take a village. I am so grateful for ours.

25.  I am conscious every day not to wish the time away. I am SO excited to hear his first sentence, to see his first steps, to tell his first joke, to meet his first friend and to be a big brother. Today, however, I am enjoying the present.

It’s been quite a year. The most amazing year. As my baby is about to complete his first revolution, of many, around the sun, I am ready to celebrate. I can’t think of any other way than to throw a party and celebrate with our village our first year of parenthood! We made it! My hubs and I will surely exchange a super high five.

Happy (almost) birthday baby E!

– NVC